Finding what I'm looking for...

I sat in church on Sunday listening to my friend Brian relaying god's word to the audience. I would have to say there were probably 150+ people in the church during this and of all those people if felt like the message was pointed right past everyone to me. It felt like no one was in the room and God had his hands on my shoulders to support me while I listened to what he was telling me. He was telling me to find him...

For the past several months, maybe longer...I'm not sure, but for this time I've been wondering blindly trying to find something that I had no idea I was looking for. I've felt numb to my surrondings, living my life day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.....even second to second. No goals, no idea what I wanted, just living. I felt this emptiness, but I wasn't sure how to pinpoint the feeling or where to look or even what I was looking for. Purely numb to my surroundings. Unable to feel emotion.....unable to give emotion.

I've made some choices in the past few months, that weren't....well, for lack of a better term, christian. Nothing that I felt I would rot in hell for, but just things I'd done, said or thought that weren't up to par with how I wanted to feel.

Deep down in my heart I feel this growing love, this desire to escape this numbness and live, feel and be what I wanted to be. I felt like my heart was tiny, it was beating and loving those immediately close to me just enough to get by but it wasn't doing what it was fully capable of doing. Like the story The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, when his tiny heart got bigger and bigger until it broke through the scale growing larger than anyone thought was possible, surpassing the amount it could grow and breaking the scale growing to a whole new meaning. That's what I feel like is happening inside me. The exception is that my heart's scale is tiny and when it hit the scale, the scale is blocking it and not letting it pass. But, it wants to so badly. It wants to flood my entire body with emotion I've never felt before in my life. I've identified what this block is that's reinforcing my scale not allowing my heart to grow. It's fear, fear that I'm not entirely sure the mean of. But fear none the less.

So, sitting in church with God holding me, my skin tingling, my heart throbbing I identify with what I need to do and what it is that's holding my back. I need to find my God, my savior and grow my relationship with him. I need to give him myself and allowing myself to follow his word. Now, I come to the next reinforcement of my scale. The lack of knowledge on how to follow him, how to allow myself to let go of my fear and insecurities to find him. To find someone who can be my mentor and guide me in this relationship I so desire.

The answer came to me so clearly, I knew exactly who I would go to, the person who I can open up to about what I want and ask questions from without feeling scared or insecure about these questions. I've scheduled time with her and I am looking forward to our discussion.

Now, I'm being flooded with questions I want to ask, so the task at hand is to sort these out and get them in writing.